| | I AM SO SICK OF THIS.
I AM SO SICK OF THIS.
I AM SO SICK OF THIS.
I've just discovered the reason why anyone becomes a sceptic, and also, how people will always be sceptics!
I am sceptical because i'm around people who I doubt, and whom I have reason to doubt. I'm talking about anything, really. Whether it's a scummy work colleague, or a scummy friend, or member of my family. At some point or another, they ignited by doubt, and ignited a sense of mistrust. I am a woman, so I am intuitive, generally speaking. And I always trust my gut.
Anyway, unless the mistrust or doubt is truly surfaced by me, or the other party, unless it's brought into the open, and we've both talked about it, it will always be there. There's no call for it to ever be extinguished. Some people fancy that that's holding a grudge. But I say it's just knowing how rare it is for people to fundamentally change.
Other people are sceptical, because of similar reasons, whether they've been spoken to, or treated poorly, they're bound to form a complex, a simple complex, perhaps, but a complex nonetheless, about the kinds of people they can then trust. Hypothetically, if a lady marries a man and the man's mother keeps starting rumours among the rest of his family about her, then she grows to mistrust any of that man's family, regardless of how distant, or how separate they might be from the mother, herself.
Do you follow?
So there lies the root of all scepticism, it begins for a good reason, but transfers itself for no reason. And then it becomes - lacking in reason, lacking in logic. But the source of the mistrust, is valid.
All along, i've been worrying about my own scepticism, wondering where my faith has gone, wondering why I can't trust so-and-so, etc. When tonight it hit me, smack in the middle of a film, out of nowhere. I am not the one whose scepticism is truly destructive.
It's them, it's him. It's not me.
And all the behaviour of the other, is a result of their scepticisms. It becomes a little larger than a vicious circle, because it affects anyone, and everyone. It has the potential to become global. Everybody is affected by the scepticisms of everyone else. And instead of extinguishing this, what happens is that, they/I form a scepticism of my own, until everyone I know, I know only as someone who has the potential to hurt me.
And then I just shut down.
We all just shut down.
I stamp my foot at the bottom of my fucking rainbow. My God damn colourful faithful rainbow.
I refuse to be a victim of someone else's issues. I refuse to become sceptical of all alike, because one shallow bastard can't trust me enough to open his god damn mouth.
I will always maintain, people are people / people are shits. But they're also the people who rid me of loneliness, who hold me close and lie to my face, and make me feel better. Who compliment me when I'm sitting down for dinner, on the way I look, because I did make some god damn effort tonight, and somebody noticed. They're the people who tell me I can do this, or that, or that I should be proud, or that I am beautiful, or that I am lovely. Open or honest, vulnerable, unafraid, funny, shy, cute, and all the other things I still fail to see in myself. They're also the people whom I see all of this in, and more. Because just as they say all that to me, I see and say all that to them. People can be wonders. But they all have the potential to be shits, and I know that, completely now.
So I refuse to be affected by this. I refuse to become a sceptic, and know that I have passion enough for five let alone two. I can love, I do love, and I will love.
I mean come on. It's been a god damn burden, right.
I can't shake my ability to see people as wholes and love their sorry-asshole twatting selves. All as they are. Even if they do rip me to fucking shreds.
Every day.
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| | Posted 6/21/2009 10:32 PM - 1 View - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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